Stress. Anxiety. Worry. Confusion.
Yepp, I’ve been a mess since returning from Europe a month-and-a-half ago. One day I’m telling myself to ‘just breathe’ and I feel like I may be on my way to figuring ‘it’ out and then next I’m constantly feeling nauseous because of all the options laid out in front of me.
‘You’re so lucky to not be tied down’ are what many of my friends tell me. Some have children keeping them stable, or partners they feel committed to. Others are working their dream job, and although they are living their dream, they still express envy for my state of unknown.
So why do I wake up in the middle of the night feeling like the most unlucky person in the world (I know, pathetic self-pity that most of you are shocked to hear, but before you judge me read on).
I feel like I’ve had some clarity the past few weeks, but perhaps this is just one those moments when I feel okay, but tomorrow it will all come crashing down around me in a whirlwind of ‘what-ifs’ and ‘am I making the right decision’ thoughts.
It’s scary not knowing what you want. It’s scary now knowing if what you want is ‘right’. It’s scary possibly disappointing the people around you. It’s all so very scary and overwhelming.
It’s also an opportunity. I get so stressed about tomorrow, or next year, that I sometimes forget to appreciate the now.
The fact is, it’s all happening right now.
I’ve been paralyzed by this fear of what’s going to happen if…
Well I’m done with what if’s. I could be making a huge mistake according to some people, but if what I am doing feel’s right to me, then that’s all that matters. Besides, I don’t believe in mistakes; I believe in lessons.
A year ago I was feeling lost. I was feeling scared. I had no idea what tomorrow would bring. I am now sitting in a coffee shop in Ottawa, writing in a new blog, completing resumes and reminiscing about my three months in Europe. To some people, spending $10,000 on a three month trip is a mistake; for me it’s the best experience I’ve ever had.
I get so stressed about what other people are going to think of my decisions, but why? It’s my life and although I have no idea what’s in store for me tomorrow or next year, neither does anyone else.
Have I made any decisions? Not yet. I am currently traveling around Ontario visiting friends and then probably heading back to Alberta. Whether people think it’s right or wrong doesn’t matter — I just need to remember that.